Shut Up About "Lipstick On A Pig"

We should've seen this coming. Everybody knows that Barack Obama and John McCain are going to hug it out together for the 9/11 anniversary tomorrow. Mutual praise will be dished out and both candidates will decry how the campaign has turned ugly and stupid while promising a "fresh start." Of course, that means you have to spend the days leading up to 9/11 slinging as much mud over the transom as possible. Today (9/10), in fact, is "How Low Can You Go?" day. McCain gives us a detestable "ad" casting Obama as a leering perv who wants to teach kindergarten kids about sex. Obama, shockingly, returns fire by calling McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, a pig. Well...except he didn't. He said, correctly, that trying to pass off four more years of Republican rule as "change" was like trying to put lipstick on a pig. That's what he said. Read it yourself. If you see Sarah Palin being called a pig in there somewhere, then you're being all touchy-feely sensitive and easily offended. And we Democrats will not stand for that kind of brazen encroachment on our emotional property. [...sniff...]

Seriously, Republicans? Shut up about this one. S...T...EFF...U. Barack Obama most certainly did not call Sarah Palin a pig. So knock off the fake righteous indignation. Stop clutching your pearls and frantically fanning yourselves over something you clearly don't really believe. It's pathetic coming from a socio-political class that revels in tough talk from their chickenhawk pissboys in nutbar talk-radio. I mean, just think about it. What is the one thing you guys resent the most about Obama? The one thing that scares you to death? No, no...the other thing. The fact that he's smart. For a guy as smart as Barack Obama to suddenly decide to call Sarah Palin a name with the whole goddamn world watching would take nothing less than a complete break with political reality. Or a suicidal urge to torpedo his own campaign. And if he did have that break with political reality...or he did want to torpedo his own campaign...don't you think he'd at least get his money's worth and call her a lying twatwaffle? It's crap. You don't believe it...so shut up about it.

Hell, I'm willing to go on record: Sarah Palin is not a pig.

As far as I know.

The Rifleman...Holy Crap!

I recently picked up an el cheapo DVD that has four episodes of The Rifleman on it. The Rifleman, for those not familiar, was a TV Western that ran in the late fifties about a widowed rancher named Lucas McCain (Chuck Connors) with a modified Winchester '94 rifle that fired by simply cocking it and a young son named Mark (Johnny Crawford). I remember watching the show as a kid back in the seventies when it ran nightly at 7:00 PM on channel 17. Mostly I remember that bad-ass opening with Chuck Connors firing off ten or so rounds and then walking down the street...reloading and glowering at the camera. Iconic stuff, really.

What I didn't remember, until watching the episodes on the DVD, was that The Rifleman was hands-down one of the most violent shows in the history of television...and I mean that in an incredibly awesome way. I want the whole series now...even though the plots are rather formulaic, to say the least. The four half-hour(!) episodes on the DVD play out like this:

- Lucas and Mark are working on something at the ranch. A need to run into town arises. They go into town together.

- Once in town, they are immediately accosted by 8-10 roughnecks who make fun of Lucas for not carrying a pistol. Lucas brandishes his rifle and warns them that he could, if properly provoked, shoot every damn one of them in the chest at point-blank range before they could even draw their sidearms.

- The roughnecks don't appreciate being talked to like that. They plan to follow Lucas and Mark home and get the drop on them at nightfall.

- That night, Lucas puts Mark to bed. The roughnecks break in and, sure enough, they have the drop on Lucas...that is, until Mark flings open the bedroom door and, in his nightshirt no less, tosses Lucas his rifle.

- Lucas catches the rifle and shoots every damn one of the roughnecks in the chest at point-blank range before they can even draw their sidearms. Then, with the corpses of the dead still strewn everywhere around the house, he gently puts Mark back to bed with a kiss to the forehead.

Check out the YouTube below for a taste of The Rifleman. He even shoots Sammy Davis Jr. in the chest at point-blank range in this video. I swear I think a young Sam Peckinpah must've directed some of this stuff. "Eat hot lead, Hoss and Little Joe!" BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!

(Edited to add: Since this was posted over the weekend, I've learned that...yes, indeed...Sam Peckinpah not only directed over a half-dozen first season episodes...but he, in fact, created and developed the concept of The Rifleman as a television series!)

What Community Organizers Do

First of all...thank you, Lord, for one last opportunity to tee off on that philandering and fear-mongering dirtbag Rudy Giuliani (pictured). Rudy said in his RNC speech last night that he doesn't know what a community organizer does. This, of course, got a big laugh from the almost 100% rich-ass, white crowd. First of all, from where does Rudy Giulani derive the moral authority to question anybody about anything? This is a schmuck whose organizational skills include organizing NYPD and State Patrol escorts for his mistress on the taxpayers' dime. If the Republicans actually put any stock in this "family values" claptrap that they pander to the Christian right with, Rudy would never even make it onto the stage. He'd be up in the cheap seats, next to Levi "fuckin' redneck" Johnston, swapping roofie stories and shocker techniques. Instead, since it was Red Meat Night at the RNC, they decided to trot out Mitt Romney and Rudy, two already despised-and-rejected Republican primary washouts, to show their asses. Mittens was his usual douchey self, leaving a trail of vinegary footprints to and from the podium...but Rudy had a question. So let's answer it.

What do community organizers do? Well, Rudy...do you remember, back in 1988, how George W. Bush used his State of the Union address to urge idealistic young people to step in and fill the gaping void left in social services by Reagan-era budget cuts? That's exactly what Barack Obama did on Chicago's South Side. He went in there and assured workers who had lost their jobs that they were not forgotten. He convinced successful businesspeople to invest in at-risk neighborhoods. He registered tons of voters and invested them in the political process. He offered hope and optimism to people who needed it badly. Obama was, in fact, what Bush himself (with a little help from noted wordsmith Peggy Noonan) referred to as a Point of Light. Now you Republicans...Rudy, Mitt, Sarah, McCain...you go ahead and mock that all you want. Beats the hell out of running on the issues for you guys, that's for damn sure.

But, you know what? Now that I think on it...just wait until November 4. On that day, the Republicans will damn skippy find out first-hand what community organizers do.

Random Thoughts On The Palin Speech

1. She certainly closes up any GOP "arrogance gap" with Obama.

2. Her bland, Peggy Hill-like looks are overrated. Nice stems, though.

3. Evangelicals/Wingnuts will love her act. Swing voters, maybe not.

4. She knows how to deliver a laundry list of Things We Disdain.

5. And now, we'll see how she is with issues.

6. That's right...I forgot...This election isn't about issues.

7. Who's on top of this ticket, anyway? Remind me again.

8. All of a sudden, the GOP now loves good speech-givers?

9. The sarcasm and mockery isn't going to play. Not this year.

Levi Johnston: Hockey Superstar

"Johnston cuts loose a seed! Straight into the five-hole!"

"Johnston: Two minutes for a below-the-waist check."

"Johnston with the textbook poke check!"

"Johnston's not known as a diver but here's a situation where he would've been much better off just going down."

"Johnston: Five minutes for an illegal butt-ending."

"That goalie should know...you can't close your legs tight enough to keep Johnston out of there."

"Johnston with much more than just the tip of his stick clearly in the crease."

"Johnston got his shaft on the biscuit...just not enough rubber."